Sta.sh
My only goal in this life
Is to touch something
And actually feel
Something
Anything
Anything at all
To break these apathetic chains
That hold me down
Boxing me in
Burying me alive
Making me less than human
I want to open my eyes
And actually see
Reach out my hand
Stretch out my fingers
And feel
Something
Anything
I'm scared of what I'll find
But maybe if I start slow
Baby steps
Each one will bring me closer
To being human
One cannot love
If one cannot feel
One step closer
Yet so far away
I want to feel
Something
Anything
Anything at all
(c) Jade Sophia 2012
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Prettyflour here on behalf of
I, for one, like your repetition. The use of something and anything gave the poem a desperate feel, emotional and heavy. If you were so inclined you could emphasize these words even more by using italics, but that might be overkill. LOL
I think this is successful on many levels- it has a nice meter and flow, and it also has a beautiful message as well. I honestly have nothing to offer in the way of an actual critique… I say, keep writing, keep sharing your words with the world.
Thank you and have a great day!
This Critique will be brief as I cannot find anything Critique worthy here, which is a good thing.
This poem was an interesting read for me, as it reflects something I felt (or rather didn't feel) many years ago. I felt quite dead and empty inside and I wished so hard to feel anything, even pain, I was numb. That being said, many people have felt this way before, and it is because of that I think this poem will resonate extremely well with its readers. In a way I believe this poem will reach out and let others know that they are not alone in this feeling. Well done!
I agree with the other comments--the flow of this piece is nice, and the emotions are easy for your readers to understand and relate to, so well done!
I wonder about punctuation, though. You don't use any, until the last stanza, where you use an ellipsis--I wonder if, by adding in punctuation, this piece might flow even more naturally off the tongue, as right now, we're lacking one of the most important clues to how each line should be read. There is, of course, a natural flow regardless, but I think that adding in the proper punctuation might help to emphasize the emotions--the tone--of this piece.
Also, I wonder about the stanza breaks. You have such a LONG first stanza, followed by two choppier ones--perhaps breaking up the long section into smaller stanzas would benefit you? I feel as if that first stanza reads the way it's been written--quick, like someone's just said all those things in one long breath and then has to break to draw more air before continuing. Breaking it up would help to lend your readers a sense of focus, of steady epiphany, where right now, it's sort of read like a stream of consciousness.
While I enjoy the message here, I think that the words could be tightened up a bit more to make this piece really stand out. You repeat the words "something" and "anything" a number of times within a few short lines, and the repetition gets a bit redundant. What if you tried taking some of those repeated words out, and substituting them with others? For example...
My only goal in this life
Is to touch something
And actually feel
Something
Anything
Anything at all
Something has to break these apathetic chains
That hold me down
Boxing me in
Burying me alive
Making me something less than human...
If we take that section, and remove some of the repeated words, it would read something like this (of course, all words would be left to your decision--play around with it! You might find better ways to say things)--
My only goal in this life
is to touch--
and actually feel--
something,
anything
at all.
There must be a way
to break these apathetic chains
that hold me down--
boxing me in,
burying me alive,
making me less than human.
By tightening up your word choice, readers won't feel as if they're reading in circles around the same exact words, and the break in monotony keeps the piece flowing smoothly and sounding interesting.
Nicely done over all, though!
A balanced critique follows, although 100 words would be better.
First, lately, I agree with your sentiments although I have no problems contacting yet, as you have written here. I do sympathize. The general structure is very well-formed. The length is sufficient to reveal your emotions, which must have been pent up within your heart. Keep the ink flowing.